The Wet Noodle


Cul-de-sac.

IndentDr. Peter Willard, renowned evolutionary linguist at UCLA, has finished the project he has been working on for nearly two decades: a computer program which simulates the social evolution of truck drivers. His simulation, based on earlier scientific work done in this and similar fields as well as a wide spectrum of observations Willard and his team have been making since the late eighties, has come up with a startling conclusion, which Willard published in last month's edition of Nature Magazine: truckers will be virtually extinct by the end of this century.
IndentAccording to Willard, "[t]his isn't startling at all. In fact, the simulation merely confirms my suspicions, which were at the basis of this project." Willard maintains that he foresaw this imminent extinction of truck drivers as early as two decades ago, and it is because of these suspicions that he scouted the brightest young minds in social psychology and evolutionary linguistics to create this simulation.
IndentWillard states that "[t]he downfall of the trucker ... will not be technological advancement [but] rapidly and progressively deteriorating language- and social skills." At the very root of this, Willard says, is the "solitary nature of their profession." He also states that the process that will eventually lead to the truckers' extinction has already been set in motion, and "[t]he symptoms of this process ... are already visible on every highway the world over."
IndentThis process Willard refers to is the creation of a language not based on the production and interpretation of sounds, but on the production and interpretation of light. Truckers, already a socially rather isolated section of society, already exhibit this behaviour, by communicating with fellow truckers not by means of speech, but by means of flashing their indicator-, hazard- and headlights. Already truckers employ a single flash of their indicator light to let the trucker behind them know it is safe to overtake; already truckers flash their headlights to inform an overtaking trucker that it is safe to cut back to the slow lane; already truckers use a double flash of the indicator lights, left and right, to thank the trucker they've just overtaken for their assistance. The list goes on.
IndentIf the simulation is correct in its assumptions, and Willard has every reason to believe it is, this list of gestures, words and phrases expressed by visual stimuli will grow explosively over the next half century, when truckers will cease to employ this medium for occupational reasons only and use it for more informal purposes. At first these informal exchanges will revolve around their work, with questions such as "What are you carrying?", and "Whereto today?", all of this expressed by an increasingly complex series of light flashes.
IndentHowever, eventually, and, Willard claims, inevitably, the vocabulary of this language existing parallel to our own will increase to such an extent that the truckers will be forced to add lights to their vehicles to be able to continue communicating with their colleagues. Willard, in his article, claims that this will continue until trucks will have vast banks of lights on both their front- and back ends and their drivers, whose social skills, as a result of this, will already have been deteriorating, will eventually stop communicating with non-truckers altogether.
IndentEvolution dictates that skills which are no longer useful to an animal will, over time, diminish and eventually disappear completely, and so it will be with truckers and their ability to speak. Willard states that "[t]heir larynx will drop, their voice box will shrink considerably, and their necks will disappear almost completely." Willard remains unable to explain why this last symptom is already evident in so many truckers today. "Mother Nature occasionally prophecies, it would seem," he's been alleged to say.
IndentAn inevitable result of this process is a complete social isolation, says Willard. Due to their inability to speak, at first psychologically but eventually also physically, the world around them will become inhospitable and eventually fatal. Due to the newly evolved language, new truckers will be hard to find, simply because "no one desires an occupation in which one cannot communicate with one's colleagues." Also, finding a life partner when you cannot communicate with the rest of the world is a daunting task, adding to the truckers' isolation. All these elements combined, Willard's simulations shows, will leave truckers a dying breed. To make his point unambiguously clear, Willard adds that "99% of the time a dying breed will end up a dead breed."
IndentIn a final note Willard, ever the humanitarian, pleads "[i]f you stay on this course, you will enter a dead-end street you cannot back out of. Act now."
IndentIn a reaction, Perry Snovnyk, spokesperson of Truckers Union North America, said "[s]o we should not stay on this course? How could we not? Staying on the course is what we get paid to do!"
IndentDr. Willard has not yet commented on this.